Mrs Finnegan Offers Advice to Short-Armed Men and an Invitation to Everyone Else

I have ESSENTIAL advice for guests visiting country houses, wealthy estates and oh, just to take an example at random, a Regency Town House somewhere like West Brighton on the beautiful south coast of England.

Always tip the staff.

If you EVER intend to return, even if it is only for afternoon tea, it is a wise investment. Servants may press themselves against the wall if by an unlucky happenstance they should pass you on the stairs. They may have their eyes firmly fixed on the carpet, unless instructed to look elsewhere, and only speak when spoken to but they also possess a remarkable array of attributes, chief of which is a LONG memory.

Any maid worth her salt will RECALL the names, faces, likes and dislikes of guests decades after they have departed. You do not want to gain a reputation for being a gentleman with short arms (and hands a long way from his pockets). Save yourself from being the one who is ALWAYS brought hot water last in the morning, or finding that your kipper invariably has more BONES than anyone else’s.

Ah, I hear you ask, how much should you tip?

I cannot speak on behalf of every household, but if you have been staying at a well-run establishment served by a small staff, I suggest you start with 4¼ d for the lowest staff member (for those who become DIZZY when faced with numbers that is four pence farthing) and work your way up.

Senior staff members should receive a gratuity that reflects the HEAVY responsibility that rests on their shoulders (and how much you enjoyed dinner and those little extras that make life WORTH living such as a lump-free mattress)

I make these remarks after a recent visit from a guest who shall remain NAMELESS except to say he is the kind of gentlemen who boasts about being a baronet. I do not hold with the common view that he is an ungrateful wretch, but rather that he is ignorant. Let us just say that his conversation would NOT send a schoolboy hurrying for a dictionary.

Indeed, I have a mote of affection for the gentleman for no other reason than the look on the butler’s face (Cubbage, remember him?) when he realised a sixpence was being pressed into his hand. It was as if he had been asked to bite into a lemon marinated in vinegar and coated in hot tar.

Me? I got two florins so the visitor was not an out and out scoundrel.

NOW for the invitation you have been waiting for.

I am giving a TOUR of The Regency Town House and it is like no other. You will see the dining room and the drawing room BUT for the first time you will also be able to visit the servants’ hall and my own dear sanctuary.

That is NOT ALL.

There will be tea and cake.

That is NOT ALL.

Every guest will receive a signed copy of my masterpiece Mrs Finnegan’s Guide to Love, Life and Laxatives. To keep!

Oh, that’s not QUITE all.

Mr Cubbage will be there. If every cloud has a silver lining, every bit of silver gets tarnished.

Will you join me? (And him?)

Warning: tickets are limited. They have just gone on sale and four went as quick as a flea blinking n a sandstorm. (I suspect they have been bought by friends of Cubbage so I am in sore need of your support.)

The Time: 2pm (The event will take about two hours so order your carriage for a little after 4pm. If returning to London by stagecoach I have been assured they will wait for you.)

The Day: Sunday June 7th

The Year: 1837

The Place: The Regency Town House. On the favoured east side of Brunswick Square. Number 13 to be precise. In the village of Hove and town of Brighton.

The cost: £20

That includes the cake, the tea and the book you will treasure for the rest of your life. AND all tips.

Buy your tickets HERE