Mrs Finnegan’s Brighton Almanac – the Perils of Hair Washing

I am NOW fully recovered from a bout of pain and inconvenience and trust you will be edified by the latest edition of The Almanac.

Master Peregrine has offered another selection of humorous quips (his words) and I have coloured these in so the serious-minded reader can pass over them and concentrate on weightier matters.

No murders this week but I do reveal the injuries caused by…

Washing Your Hair

It is NATURAL for any woman to want to look her best , but do not be TEMPTED to wash your hair except in cases of EXTREMNE emergency. (For example, getting caught in the middle of a cow dung fight in a field. Farm boys have a very odd sense of humour.)

Wetting it with water promotes catarrh and headaches. It can even cause the root to swell, making hair lifeless, prone to breaking and even – dread thought! – falling out. 

If you must, use rosemary water which is easily made by pouring boiling water over handfuls of the herb, and straining it after it has cooled.

When were there only two vowels?
In the days of No-a and his ark, before U and I were born

Never use soap on your hair.
I repeat NEVER use soap.
It will leave it dry and brittle and make your scalp scratchy and sore.
It will also impart a greenish tinge to light coloured hair. Not a good look.

CLEANING your hair thoroughly, however, has never been more important.
We reside in dirty, sooty town and cities and in the countryside we live alongside nature and sometimes nature wants to get even closer.

Morning and night drape a cloth around your shoulders on which to spread your hair. Use your fingers to get rid of snarls and knots and comb out any remaining tangles. Then pick up your brush.
A thorough brushing will take a full five minutes and will not only remove the daily debris (have a look at the cloth afterwards – you will be surprised what you find) but also spread natural hair oils along each strand right to the tips.
The result is clean, glossy hair.

If you find nature has been a little mean when it comes to fluids I am not against using a little castor oil to which you can add herbs for a more pleasant aroma. But I am an opponent of mutton fat. It should come nowhere near your head, except perhaps your lips.

 What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato?
None. They are both quite the same as one is a beeholder and the other is a speck’d tatur.

Saint of the Week

St Rocco Feast day August 16

In the last edition I mentioned a MOST untrustworthy saint who became the patron of MAD dogs and deserved no better. This time came I want to introduce the patron saint of ordinary dogs – the kind you can pat on the head WITHOUT having your hand ripped off.

St Rocco sounds a thoroughly decent chap except, to be honest, I don’t think he had the SENSE he was born with, but more on that later.
He came from a wealthy family in Montpellier, France and had an UNUSUAL birthmark – the sign of the cross on his chest. Then the inevitable happened: his parents died, he renounced riches and power and went on long journeys doing good. This was the time of the plague and doing good meant nursing victims of the BLACK DEATH.
It was said he could cure by simply making the sign of the cross. On the way back home, he caught the plague himself and holed up in a cave waiting to die.
He didn’t because a dog he didn’t know or TRAIN visited him every day with food.

Paintings of the saint usually show him next to a dog with a loaf in its mouth and his LEFT leg bare to indicate where the plague boils festered.
That would be enough for one man/saint but when he got home to Montpellier he was THROWN in prison by his uncle who didn’t recognise him and thought he was a spy. Aha, you might think, that’s where the birthmark comes in.
Not a bit of it!
Rocco was in prison for five years and the birthmark was only discovered AFTER his death.
You’d think he would have had the wit to say SOMETHING or leave his tunic hanging open.
There you have it: patron saint of dogs, the plague, pandemics and Batchelors. I would add mistaken identity and those who are a bit SLOW coming forward.

What tune is best?
Fortune, especially when made up of sovereigns

Improve your Vocabulary One Word at a Time

Perhaps I am being UNFAIR to poor St Rocco. Perhaps he was just a tad dumfungled from all his good deeds and being ill himself. It is a VERY good word to use about anyone who is worn out and entirely drained of energy.

Dear Reader
You MAY be interested to know that I shall be in Brunswick Square in West Brighton, near the village of Hove, next Saturday 19th August with fellow members of staff. There is a festival going on from 12 noon until past my bedtime. Do come by and say Good Day but best make it before 4pm after which time I shall be thoroughly dumfungled myself.
The Regency Town House is also OPEN all next weekend. You may go in and look (the Mistress is away at the moment.)

I must sign off now as there is a good deal of housework to be done between NOW and then.
Your Obedient Servant

Mrs Finnegan