Mrs Finnegan and the Empty Decanter

A letter has poured in asking how could I bring myself to associate with the butler at The Regency Town House when not so very long ago I was questioning his probity. See Brandy and Burnt Sausages

I suspected no one. I MERELY mentioned that since Mr Cubbage’s arrival the noble spirit (that BYRON said should only be drunk by heroes) was disappearing from the house decanters at a rate that would alarm a short-sighted man sworn to total abstinence

Mr Cubbage has since CONVINCED me he is entirely blameless by catching Mrs Pickles, our cook, in the act. Together we discovered her clutching a mixing bowl brimming with brandy next to an empty decanter.

Tears sprung to her eyes and two words stumbled from her mouth: Christmas Pudding! It seemed a fair enough excuse given that she was also in possession of eggs, nutmeg, candied orange rind, apples, breadcrumbs, raisins and currants.

And yet could that be a complete answer?

Cubbage and I agreed on keeping a constant watch on the library decanter. For two LONG days we took it in turns to loiter in the corridors. I pretended to have a passionate interest in wainscotting in that part of the house while Cubbage marched up and down like a militia sergeant who thought Napoleon was still alive.

By various devious means (including squinting through the keyhole) we learned the truth: the mistress has developed a taste for the caramel-coloured nectar and imbibes whenever the Master is not present. The most obvious effect being THUNDEROUS snoring in the afternoon.

Another mystery solved. And, of course, NONE of our business.

Now that brings me to our drive to recruit more staff: to wit, a footman, a kitchen maid and a scullery maid.

Interested? Come to Minimum Wage? You Must Be Joking! on Sunday November 15th

We can promise more than long hours and low wages. We can also throw in a straw mattress and a roof over your head.

And every applicant with be treated to SPLENDID tea and cake plus a copy of my own small masterpiece A Guide to Love, Life and Laxatives. If you already have a copy give it to friend for Christmas, especially a friend who wasn’t expecting a present. You will be covered in glory and she will be overcome with guilt, an excellent start to the new Year.

There are a few tickets left. You can find out more HERE

Finally, it’s come to my notice that one or two maids have been complaining of toothache lately.

Washing behind the ears with cold water every morning will forestall aching teeth and thus avert the need for annoying squeals of anguish from the servants’ hall.

I have been told that scalding the ear with a little boiling water will ALSO take away the pain.

I cannot offer any personal testimony, but would be very interested in the results if you try it…

Dear Reader
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If you are not attending our recruitment drive, perhaps you would be prepared to to exchange a paltry sum for her Guide to Love, Life and Laxatives click https://mybook.to/Mrs_Finnegans_Guide